Few words piss me off more than 'n*gger' and 'f*ggot'. They piss me off because we all know damn good and well that no one gets called those names because of some minor character flaw, some slight they may have inflicted upon someone, or some small thing that can be easily remedied. I am 43 years old and was born right here in America. I was raised in many various parts of this country and also among fellow Americans abroad. I'm not a dimwit and I know very well that anyone who tells me different on this subject is lying, whether they realize it or not. I can remember quite clearly how I heard those words spoken to or about someone. They were often hissed instead of spoken. People are not usually hissed at because of character glitches, they are hissed at because of what they are. That's right - because of what they are. People are relegated to n*gger and f*ggot status because of the circumstances of their birth and the history they carry in their bodies and souls. They are hissed at and called n*gger and f*ggot for things that are beyond their control. Imagine for a minute how it might feel to be attacked and despised just for being who you are. Would it feel good? I'm guessing not. Actually, I'm not guessing. I know from experience.
How then might it feel to be singled out as a n*gger or a f*ggot and be sent off to some class where you are supposed to learn how to pretend that you are something else? Do you think you would still know what you really are? What if you were berated in this class whenever you told the truth about yourself? How would you feel then? How would you feel if the pain and the anger of unconscionable injustice sometimes caught up with you and you were then told to 'store away' the truth that is YOU? You might be surprised how many people buy into this bullshit in their desire to 'pass' as something other than what they are. I bought some of that shit myself, before I even knew what I was doing. It nearly caused my death. Yes, that's right - I am both a n*igger and a f*ggot in my society. Because of what I am and my refusal to lie about it.
I am a survivor of severe childhood abuse inflicted upon me by my own caretakers. My own people tortured and betrayed me when I was tiny and helpless. That left marks which don't seem to be fading away. I carry a lot of pain with me. I carry the fear that was woven into the fabric of my being by those who were supposed to love and care for me. I struggled to survive by pretending that I was someone else. I came of age and was ejected into a society that acted just like my family. They only liked me when I was a white heterosexual. Which meant I could never be me. No one can live a healthy life with that level of pretense. Imagine how you would feel if you could not leave your home or interact with others unless you were up to pretending that you were some person very different from who you really are. Trust me, it's exhausting. Further imagine that you then found a class of 'specialists' who claimed to help people with this kind of exhaustion. Imagine that they listened to some of your distress and then... then they tried to help you fix your problem by teaching you to be someone else so you wouldn't have the pain of being a n*gger and a f*ggot anymore. Does that make you want to overdose? It did me, too. Thankfully, I lived.
This is CBT and DBT. Trauma survivors are instructed to store their pain instead of express it. Buckets seem to be the favored storage container. Trauma survivors are told that they are acceptable while being surreptitiously taught that they are not really acceptable the way they are, that they must be someone else because no one wants to hear their pain. They are supposed to use dangerous drugs, think positively, 'change the channel', block their thoughts, focus on the present moment (except for the bad thoughts contained therein - yes, they're supposed to dissociate) - in short, they are supposed to lie. Well, some of us are so sick of lying that we have simply stopped giving a shit what others think. We are Survivors Against Buckets.
That's right - I'm a nigger and a faggot and I don't give one cold fuck who likes it. If you don't like it, then you are welcome to grab a bucket in which to contain your objections. Just don't pass it this way unless you want to wear it on your head after I pee in it.
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I agree. I watched a movie recently about a woman doing a documentary on 'obese' women. and she was teased and joked about and outcast because she was 250 pounds. In general, I have found that society cannot handle anyone who is 'different' than what they expect. And the rest of us have to suck it up and deal with it - if we want to fit in.
ReplyDeleteHi,
ReplyDeleteIt is unfortunate but, adult life is exactly like high school and DBT is where the bullies of high school get paid to pretend they are helping you to heal. And here we were all told that nothing in adult life would be like high school.
When I first started trauma therapy, before DBT, all the therapists were telling their survivor clients in my support group to put all their flashbacks on tape and put all the tapes in a locked and safe room inside themselves. Just as stupid as buckets and as effective as well. I still don't understand why they won't admit, hey we did a shitty job, we're still doing a shitty job. Guess you have to care about the quality of the services you are proving for that to happen, and they don't in DBT, in my experiences.
Good and healing thoughts to you.
Kate