Sunday, December 13, 2009
YES! You are more than a Statistic!
Here is a woman, Alicia, who attended a 5 day training on DBT and could not wait to write about all she learned!
However, after writing about 1 day of DBT, she seems to be so caught up in her "present moment" she did not update after day 1. Sadly, those of us who did not attend the *professional training* classes will forever be in the darkness about the training.
Or, maybe it was on the Linehan compound and she was "off'd" for opening her mouth...I'm not sure which..
I used to function better than I do now. Yes, I was a mess on the inside, but I still functioned better. I had two sets of competing thoughts. One of them was practical and kept me going, the other set matched (and tried to explain) my terrible feelings. I don't remember those thoughts anymore. Therapy strengthened the practical set and pushed the set that matched my feelings way back into my unconscious. Now that set has been transformed and it torments me with hypochondria, flashbacks and nightmares than run my life no matter how badly I don't want them to.
Eventually, Precious the cat offloaded her dead burden outdoors somewhere. I am sure that kitten must have died. I wonder where she left it. I picture her as having left it in some barren and forsaken place. Some terrible wasteland, perhaps the only place that accepts such unwanted embarrassments -- a dumping ground for shame. I know that place well and I often long to get out of there, but I don't know how anymore. I used to know, but then I got 'help'. Now when people want to help me, I just automatically take my burden to the wasteland because that's what I've been trained to do. The humans keep hurting me and I don't know where else to go.
Sunday, October 25, 2009
STUDY shows DBT did nothing to reduce depression or suicide ideation. (Isn't that what it was "designed" to do?)
***Research showed that DBT did nothing to eliminate depression or hopelessness, suicide ideation or reasons for living? I thought that was what it was DESIGNED to do? It did, however, decrease hospital stays..
Well, from my personal point of view, it made my depression and SI/SIB WORSE! And I've NEVER been hospitalized for any "mental illness" Ever!
**THIS IS A FACT! And this is because it is invalidating and retraumatizing.
I attended DBT classes and the instructor of the class actually told me the drop out rate is high.
And this is because why? Yes! Retraumatizing, makes symptoms worse by using BUCKETS!
reference: 1997-2008 Behavioral Tech, LLC; © 1997-2008 Cindy Sanderson
How then might it feel to be singled out as a n*gger or a f*ggot and be sent off to some class where you are supposed to learn how to pretend that you are something else? Do you think you would still know what you really are? What if you were berated in this class whenever you told the truth about yourself? How would you feel then? How would you feel if the pain and the anger of unconscionable injustice sometimes caught up with you and you were then told to 'store away' the truth that is YOU? You might be surprised how many people buy into this bullshit in their desire to 'pass' as something other than what they are. I bought some of that shit myself, before I even knew what I was doing. It nearly caused my death. Yes, that's right - I am both a n*igger and a f*ggot in my society. Because of what I am and my refusal to lie about it.
I am a survivor of severe childhood abuse inflicted upon me by my own caretakers. My own people tortured and betrayed me when I was tiny and helpless. That left marks which don't seem to be fading away. I carry a lot of pain with me. I carry the fear that was woven into the fabric of my being by those who were supposed to love and care for me. I struggled to survive by pretending that I was someone else. I came of age and was ejected into a society that acted just like my family. They only liked me when I was a white heterosexual. Which meant I could never be me. No one can live a healthy life with that level of pretense. Imagine how you would feel if you could not leave your home or interact with others unless you were up to pretending that you were some person very different from who you really are. Trust me, it's exhausting. Further imagine that you then found a class of 'specialists' who claimed to help people with this kind of exhaustion. Imagine that they listened to some of your distress and then... then they tried to help you fix your problem by teaching you to be someone else so you wouldn't have the pain of being a n*gger and a f*ggot anymore. Does that make you want to overdose? It did me, too. Thankfully, I lived.
This is CBT and DBT. Trauma survivors are instructed to store their pain instead of express it. Buckets seem to be the favored storage container. Trauma survivors are told that they are acceptable while being surreptitiously taught that they are not really acceptable the way they are, that they must be someone else because no one wants to hear their pain. They are supposed to use dangerous drugs, think positively, 'change the channel', block their thoughts, focus on the present moment (except for the bad thoughts contained therein - yes, they're supposed to dissociate) - in short, they are supposed to lie. Well, some of us are so sick of lying that we have simply stopped giving a shit what others think. We are Survivors Against Buckets.
That's right - I'm a nigger and a faggot and I don't give one cold fuck who likes it. If you don't like it, then you are welcome to grab a bucket in which to contain your objections. Just don't pass it this way unless you want to wear it on your head after I pee in it.